Jesus is Our Son’s Eternity

Tonight was one of those off nights where I get home at six o’clock in the evening only to throw a pre-made dinner in the oven to cook…for an hour. Whenever I have these nights, it feels like the whole day is just out of sorts as we dive into our dinner at seven o’clock, and we’re used to eating dinner around 5:30.

Somehow there was a calm to the evening as I got the pan of stuffed peppers I picked up at Costco into the oven that emanated from my husband. He worked from home as it was so he could make it to our son’s first production for his drama class this morning. So he understood the delay it was for me to drive all the way home to get him back to work, only to head out after lunch.

Yet, all this calm came to a screeching halt when my son took his plate with a stuffed pepper on it, and his lip sneered in disgust as he brought it to the table.

“Will I like this?!”, he cried.

As I rolled my eyes and deeply sighed as I motioned him to eat, the thought came to my mind just how much he’s been looking to us both [lately] for what he likes and dislikes. That he’s somehow feeling a need to have our approval to proceed forward in his life, and this sent my heart sinking fast into a feeling of guilt.

“He got this from me.”, I began to spiral in my thought-world.

For so long, I sought the approval of my parents to do the same exact thing he’s doing now. Only they didn’t address it. They, instead, let it persist. And considering the way I was handled as a child when these tough emotions occurred, they allowed what I struggled with [concerning them] to merely hang in the balance of the cavernous gorge that was formed deep in my heart. In other words, they didn’t ever talk with me about how I truly felt to help me through my feelings.

They would speak to me about some things happening in my life at times, but not to truly help me, but to condition me to behave in such a way that modeled the fashioning of the family that feelings aren’t safe. And honestly, they were right – in a round about way.

Feelings aren’t safe in the confines of humanity.

Human depravity has no true ability to handle feelings and emotions. Yes, we all feel them. From joy and elation to anger and disappointment, we all feel all the feelings we feel. Yet, what do we do with them when they’re felt?

Human depravity has no true ability to handle feelings and emotions. Yes, we all feel them. From joy and elation to anger and disappointment, we all feel all the feelings we feel. Yet, what do we do with them when they’re felt?

In an unhealthy, dysfunctional environment, they’re handled within the hands of other human beings. And if those other human beings can’t handle those emotions, they seek to stuff them down or cast them aside and cover them up with masks and make-up.

Instead of being encouraged to feel my feelings in order to hand them over to God, I was conditioned to sweep every feeling I felt under the rug and put on the prettiest, strongest, most confident mask I could find – all for the sake of looking good to everyone else. Because, Lord have mercy if other people knew my pain and struggles, including the ones that germinated from the roots of my unhealthy family life.

It comes down to this, I desire my son to know who he is as God created him to be in his salvation through Christ. I want him to like what he likes, and to dislike what he dislikes. I want him to feel what he feels, and to think what he thinks.

God knows exactly what his life is going to endure. I only have an inkling being his mother.

As his mother, I only know him on a very human level. He came from my womb, but the creation he is isn’t mine nor my husband’s – but God’s. Therefore, we aren’t his north star, Jesus is. And anytime I get the chance, I will redirect my son’s gaze to Him and Him alone, because without Jesus in his vision, he’ll never know who he is, what he likes or dislikes, or even why he even feels or thinks as he feels or thinks.

My son is Jesus’s child.

I’ve only been given him for a short period of time to guide and direct. Once that point of my journey [and that of husband’s] is complete, only Jesus will remain for him.

Jesus is our son’s eternity, and I’m so grateful he grabbed onto Him early on in life.

I can see the struggles he’s contending with considering this early transition in his life. Thankfully, through homeschooling, and the ministries of Celebrate Recovery, Trail Life USA, our church, and having so many positively healthy Christian role models in his life within these ministries, he’s learning the tools he needs to work through every feeling, thought and idea in his life.

I’m honored to be our son’s mama and to be sharing this journey with my husband. Thank You, Lord, for this gift of the restoration of healthy family.

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lordthe fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.”

Psalm 127:3-4 (ESV)