It’s Time to Be Better

I can’t begin to count how many times it’s been that I’ve written the words, “It’s been such a long time.

Once again, here I am saying the same words. However, unlike the past, I don’t feel shamed by them.

I haven’t blogged like the beast I used to when I first started this writing journey back in late 2010. Nor, have I even busted out my pencil, pen or paper – nor opened up a new document – to write any material for a new book.

Man, how can I proclaim to be a writer if I don’t…you know…write [to publish]?

That’s what I constantly hear and read from every published and rocking it author out there right now. And they’re words I’ve heard for the last six years of my life.

I’ve signed up for multiple webinars on how to write better. 

I’ve invested money in myself to get my hustle back into gear and write.

I’ve read books – many books – that say the same information over and over again, just in different verbiage and with a re-worded set of “to-do lists” that I just cannot come to fulfill in my own life. I’ve gleaned some things from everything I’ve read, but nothing absolutely substantial to change my life forever.

And it’s come down to this why none of this has fully worked for me:

It’s because it’s someone else’s work I’m trying to duplicate into my own life.

Years ago when my husband and I ventured into the wild, crazy life of multi-level marketing, I heard the words, “Duplication is the greatest form of flattery.” Y’all, honestly, I’ve grown weary of flattery. I’m tired of blazing the spotlight on someone else’s work and seeking to make it my own.

I’m tired of spewing out the same topical information, just in different constructions of it.

I’m about to be 40 years old, and I am just sick and tired of not being me.

I’m tired of trying to measure up to the things that even my favorite contemporary authors in the world are doing.

I’m tired of looking at their Instagrams and Facebooks and wondering what is so wrong with me, but so right with them?

Boiled down, I’m tired of comparison.

I am a writer, but right now is not the time for me to be fully engaged in writing full-time.

A lot of homeschool mama’s out there are rocking it left and right with their blogs, books, and working a business while homeschooling their 2+ kids, taking them to Classical Conversations, going on date nights with their husbands, rocking ministry at church and living it up every weekend camping or going to the mountains or the beach. I’m not knocking y’all who do this, I’m merely saying I’ve compared myself to everyone else’s highlight reel on social media instead of merely allowing myself to live my life as it is.

My life comes from a far different background than many. I’m not so special that I am so different. No. We all have our own ugly in life that would tend to make anyone wince.

I’m simply saying that the different background I come from has created my life in such a way that God has me on a very specific mission through my life.

I’m not just the “homeschool mom”, nor am I just a “boy mom.”

I’m not just a “wife”, nor am I just a “Christian.”

I’m not just someone who struggles with codependent behavior, anxiety, and anger, nor am I just someone who is in recovery for it all.

Friends, I am all these things.

My mother asked me years ago, Marni, who are you?

Aside from the reality, she had a certain answer she was fishing for in mind from me, I can finally say these words:

I am Marni.

Period.

I am this person God fashioned me to be in my mother’s womb, just as much as I am this person who has had to learn how to be myself apart from my mother and father over the last twenty years of my life. 

I am a mixture of all my experiences (good, bad and ugly), hopes, dreams, roles and the doings in my life – the very things that I’ve been handing over to God a little more every day as I breathe in and out.

I’m done comparing the very worst in my life to the very best in other’s lives. Because doing so breeds bitterness; and y’all, I’ve lived far than more than my fair share of bitter.

It’s time to be better.

I’ve declared, by God’s grace alone, that my 40’s and beyond will be amazing. They’ll truly be a time of testing, but I’m no longer afraid of the test.

I will write – to share – as I can, and I won’t ever use the words, in shame, “It’s been such a long time” again concerning writing.

I’m in a good spot in my life as a Child of God, a wife, a mother, and a friend. There is no more room for comparison anymore. I am who I am, and by golly…I like who I am.

Funny, that’s the first time I’ve written – and said those words – and meant it.

One small victory at a time is recovery, friends. It’s not one huge step.