Triggers Don’t Equal Toxicity

It’s been difficult to scribe much of anything outside my journal or on my social media outlets – through some private groups I’ve been a part of recently for bible studies. I’ve had the words, but the emotions behind them have been challenging for me to bring forth in a published post.

It all started when I started The Broken Way Bible Study by my friend, Ann Voskamp, recently. Within the first two sessions, I had come completely undone as confirmation of the struggles I have with my relationship with God are deeply rooted in my struggles wth the relationship I have with my earthly father.

I heard it a long time ago that how we perceive God is directly related to our relationship with our father’s, and coming to a realistic perspective about my relationship with my father felt like a Mack truck hitting me in the core of my soul.

Painful tears shot into my eyes as I came to the awareness of this reality, and I began working my recovery hard. I reached out to my sponsor, counselor and accountability partners – and journaled like crazy. And the more I worked my recovery, the more peace I began to encounter.

The reality is, I have some sincerely deep daddy issues – and they’ve affected my connection with God.

This isn’t God’s fault. It’s not even my father’s fault, nor is it even my fault. But it is my responsibility to make the necessary steps to correct the flawed areas of my relationship with God.

Just because something wrong was done to me, doesn’t mean I need to remain walking in the illness. I admit it’s a challenge to hold in my hands the responsibility to work my recovery in a way I never have before.

I don’t like the way it feels. It’s weighted, but it’s a weight I somehow can bear.

The areas I’ve struggled deeply with my life, concerning my relationship with God, has been consistent prayer – even when the things in life are good. Also, I’ve had a notoriously bad habit of fleeing newer relationships in my life whenever I feel one inking of a trigger.

What I’ve done, up until recently, has equated triggers to toxic behaviors. But this is the furthest reality from the truth.

Triggers don’t equal toxicity; they merely expose raw emotions that have never healed. 

What the bible study provided me with was an open door to the next step in my recovery process. It was preparing me for what’s next; for what’s to come.

Starting soon, the next part of the Celebrate Recovery step study curriculum begins for me – The Journey Continues. This is the 2nd part of the step study that I’ve been waiting patiently for, for 5 years.

It’s the part of my recovery where I get to assess just how far God has taken me so far in my recovery walk with His Son and go deeper in it with Him.

I didn’t finish every bit of The Broken Way, nor have I cracked the book, but like One Thousand Gifts, these are materials to be savored. Slowly consumed and digested so the soul can truly dive into the scriptures they lead you to.

 

God has taught me through my recovery journey, thus far, that this process isn’t instant. It isn’t like driving through a Chick-Fil-A and ordering a #1 with a lemonade and voilà, paying for it, and in a handful of minutes, your meal appears!

Nope.

Recovery, in Christ, is a process. A sanctification process at that. A maturing process.

God uses these Christ-centered 12-steps and 8-principles in my life purposefully for the reason that He wants me to grow with Him, and this is the format in which helps me do just that. For everything about the program of CR points me back to scripture. To my healing. To Jesus.

As I go through this program, and grow deeper in Him through His word, and embrace other teachings from other sound teachers who continually point me back to His word, and to Him through it all, and study His word deeply, the healthier I am becoming.

It hurts to grow.

It hurts to heal.

It hurts to be who I am, who is found in Christ, against every human flaw I have.

Living humanly hurts, but if this is the cost it takes – with every trigger I feel along the way – I will endure to the end with my gaze ever set on His majesty in my life.